Someone, Please Help Me

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06.09.04
2:31 a.m.

I haven�t had the mental energy to even put together anything for this foolish blog for what seems like a million years. As soon as I begin to type anything, all that comes out is rubbish. Rubbish, rubbish, rubbish! And it�s all a shame, really. Everything feels like a sham, really. It�s 2:30 in the fucking morning and I�ve finally got the drive to do something, but feel the need to edit myself for time. I�m forced into being a morning person, which I am not. My creativity is sapped, and I just don�t know what to do. I haven�t written a good goddamn thing in months. Years, maybe. I don�t know. I�m going through a bit of angst about where things are going in my life.

I�m tapped out mentally. I want to start some new creative or academic endeavors, but they just ain�t happenin�. I try to learn Japanese� I give up. I try to learn the guitar� an idea that faded away as quickly as it began. I try to get started on a short story� poof!� non-existence is the definition of my creativity and my self, it seems, and I�ve had enough. Is there enough anger to go around, yet?

It�s also recently occurred to me that I am editing myself for content because of some irrational fear that someone else may read this. I keep the truest of my thoughts to myself because so many of them are on the cruel side, and shouldn�t be consumed by the public at large. Maybe my very long hiatus will have lost me the few people who did read my blog, and hopefully the two who I knew personally that knew I had a blog will have forgotten about it�s existence. If I�m lucky.

Good thing this took me only 3 minutes to type up. Now I can get to bed and wake up like the good civilian I am, and not feel quite like I�ve given up on everything.

LAST FIVE ENTRIES:
Kinda sorta - 12.22.05
pathetic - 09.27.05
- - 03.07.05
a lesson in blogs - 06.18.04
a shame and a sham - 06.09.04